Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Five-Pound Gummy Bear

Not five pounds of gummy bears.  That's perfectly reasonable; indeed, it's the main reason we joined our local warehouse club, so that we would have access to purchase of five-pound bags of gummy bears at any moment.

No, a single, uni-flavored gummy bear.

A gummy bear the size of a premature child.

For the same price as TWENTY-FIVE POUNDS of individual gummy bears.

The tri-flavored gummy costs six dollars more.

You'd better really like the flavor you choose.

12,600 calories.  If it could be converted directly into energy, it could power your car for a trip to the headquarters of the Bowflex corporation and back.

This is a classic example of a gift that was not well thought through. Sounds like a great idea, looks adorable, it'll get a round of laughs, but then YOU'LL go home and the poor recipient will have to live with the thing.  It might as well be a gummy albatross, complete with neck rope.

Other examples of poorly thought out gifts are those jokey sex toys you find in Spencer gifts, collectible items from the Franklin Mint, and children's toys containing loose glitter.

OK, let's try to turn this into a positive.  How can we make this palatable?

What if you scooped this middle out like a candy bowl, and filled it with assorted regular sized gummy bears, turning it into a fecund gummy matriach, ready to spawn chewy fruit-flavored progeny?

You'd still have a couple pounds of gummy-viscera to dispose of, but at least you've jazzed the shell up a bit.

You could dice it up and make them more finger friendly, but this removes the cuteness of eating a small candy animal.  Unless you're a Dungeons and Dragons fan, and you can pretend they're little Gelatinous Cubes.

Eventually, you'll find yourself adding "gummy" to all your recipes to use the confusticated thing up.  Gummite (the source material from which all gummy candies are made) melts readily into a honeylike goo which mixes well in hot beverages, but will never come off your dishes if you let it set up.

If you know (or care) little enough about the person that you think this would be a good gift, cut your losses and buy a gift certificate.  The same level of "I had to buy you SOMEthing" with much less "I think you are a sugar-obsessed horror who might just eat this while we watch if we're lucky".

Available from Vat 19


  1. Laughing out loud over your giant gummy bear post! Is this another example of people having too much time on their hands? :-)

  2. Oh my god. Why did I think of the progeny in Eraserhead when you mentioned it was the size of a premature baby. Blah. :(

    Lee Brown (not Belsky)

  3. I agree with you, Lee, but given the choice, I'll take the 5-pound Gummy Bear over THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE any time. At least you could use the giant Gummy Bear as a doorstop or weapon in a pinch! :-)

  4. Actually, instead of Eraserhead, I was thinking more along the lines of the progeny from The Brood, but it's all apples and oranges. I would be tempted to buy dozens of these simply to quietly and strategically leave them . . . one at a time . . . in the path of some particular person and watch how long it would take for them to go nuts (or gummi, as the case may be).

  5. Yick! Sticky, weird. You could always display it on the mantelpiece next to the candles. That could be an interesting demise for the monster bear!

  6. Oh fun! My word verification sounds like my favorite Disney movie song -- 'synese'.

    I am synese if you please -- I am synese if you DON'T please....."

  7. Back again -- this is really weird. I pulled up the link you gave me on my email, Dorian, and this was the post it took me to. Then I hit home, and all these other newer ones showed up. Was the giant gummy bear my karma? Does he still exist? Is it too late for my candle positioning idea? How strange!

  8. Becky, welcome to IS THAT REALLY DESIRABLE?, or ITRD? for short! Yes, for some reason the Web site seems to love going back to the original Five-Pound Gummy Bear post. Maybe it has a sweet tooth! :-) I got a kick out of your "synese/Siamese" gag, too; always liked that song in LADY AND THE TRAMP, though I certainly hope your cat is nicer than those sneaky Siamese cats in the movie! :-)

  9. My pretty little calico, Harriet, is not mean -- but she is a nervous neurotic, just like Mommy! She just adores me, but is nervous about other people. I adopted her when she was 5 months old, and had been living in a cage at the vet's office for abot 4 months. I think she had a very hard kitten life. I saw her and was just attracted to her.

    They opened the cage door and let her step out. I sat down, and she instantly leaped up on my shoulder and snuggled her head right in there. SHE adopted ME! So 2 single ladies are very happy together!

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